


Freedom From Fear

by silveradept



Category: Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Apologies, Gen, Misunderstandings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-18
Updated: 2018-01-18
Packaged: 2019-03-06 10:01:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13408878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silveradept/pseuds/silveradept
Summary: Saru apologizes to Michael about his behavior in Pahvo. Michael isn't sure she accepts it.





	Freedom From Fear

**Author's Note:**

> References events that happened during Star Trek: Discovery s01e08-e09.

Michael had a message waiting for her when she got back to her quarters. Tilly was out at some social function, a fact that Michael was significantly more thankful for when she listened to the message itself.

"Specialist Burnham...Michael." Saru looked more uncomfortable than he usually did. "I wanted to request...can we talk? Reasonably soon? Preferably over a meal of some sort?"

Michael scheduled a time with Saru when they were both off shift at a mess that was convenient for both of them to get to, and gave the matter not much more thought than a conversation with Tilly about where she was going right before going to meet Saru.

"Thank you for seeing me, Specialist...Michael Burnham," he said. Michael did not see his threat ganglia exposed, but something was clearly bothering Saru. Michael decided, rather than letting Saru continue to trip over his words until he found his intentions, that directness was her best option.

"Are you interested in pursuing a romantic or sexual relationship with me?" 

"What?" Confusion took over for nervousness on Saru's face. "How did you come to that conclusion?"

"You asked me to see you about a matter that makes you nervous and you wanted to see me over a meal. Cadet Tilly seemed to think this, along with the amount of time we have served together, was a prelude to a romantic overture. I believe the specific phrase she used was 'That's so delightfully sweet that he's going to confess his love for you!' She then advised me not to break your heart by 'letting you down gently'."

"Ah," Saru said, still looking confused. "While the logic does have a certain soundness to it, should you approach it from the cadet's view, it would be entirely inappropriate for me to fraternize in that fashion with you, assuming that our species were...compatible, a proposition I have no interest in pursuing." 

Saru shook his head, still looking confused. "I am unsure what universe Cadet Tilly collects her theories from, but I would file that thought with the novel she is undoubtedly writing where she is the captain of a ship," he said.

Saru thought a bit more about the circumstances that would have resulted in a relationship between them before speaking again.

"Furthermore, you terrify me in ways that you have, no doubt, noticed, which is unlikely to result in a happy partnership. And that is, somewhat obtusely, the reason why I asked you here. I wanted to apologize to you for my behavior on Pahvo."

"You were under the influence of an alien life form at the time," Michael pointed out.

"That is...less true than may have gone into the official reports," Saru said, looking away from Michael for a few seconds. "I certainly was having an experience unlike any other in my life, but I am not sure I can say that I was under the influence of another being at the time. To the best of my knowledge, I retained complete control of my mind and body for the entire time I was on the planet."

Michael raised an eyebrow. "What would you say happened?"

"The beings of Pahvo...I do not quite know the appropriate terminology to use, but they altered my brain chemistry in such a way that my inhibitions were lowered and my natural fear response dissipated entirely."

"That sounds like you got drunk, Saru."

"That would be accurate, Michael Burnham, except that drunkenness is usually associated with lethargy, and I certainly did not suffer from that. The more appropriate metaphor may involve religious experiences, instead."

Saru hesitated before continuing. "What I experienced...was unlike anything anyone in my species has known, or ever will know. I no longer felt the caution that had been impressed upon me since my birth. It was replaced with an unshakable knowledge that I would not have to experience fear again, so long as I remained on Pahvo and nobody else came to interrupt me."

"So you lied to Lieutenant Tyler and myself, destroyed our communicators, then attempted to sabotage our signal booster so you would not have to leave and Discovery would leave us all for dead." Saru flinched slightly at Michael's delivery.

"Yes," Saru said bluntly, "and I believed that with time, each of you would also be brought into perfect harmony and would be able to leave your previous lives of bloodshed behind. For you and Lieutenant Tyler, such a respite would have been welcome, would it not?"

Michael considered this. It would be a pleasant delusion to believe that someone could escape the war between the Federation and the Klingon Empire. She had seen plenty of humans do more extreme things in the pursuit of peace. Her continued presence on _Discovery_ was directly related to just such a thing, given Captain Lorca's attitude that ends accomplished justified whatever means were employed to achieve them. Lieutenant Tyler might very much enjoy being able to escape his past, given the amount of trauma he had suffered at the have of the Klingons.

"I follow your logic," she said.

"How very Vulcan of you," Saru said in return, a strong note of sarcasm present in his voice. "Although, I suppose neither of us necessarily has any high ground to stand upon anymore, given that we have now both assaulted a member of the crew where we were serving as first officer."

Michael stood up. "I accept your apology. I should be returning to quarters to sleep before my active duty shift."

"Wait," Saru said, his threat ganglia shifting slightly, "please."

Michael raised an eyebrow at Saru, but waited.

"What I am...inexpertly trying to say, in addition to my apology, is that, should you desire it, I am available to talk to on the matter of being someone who has never fit in comfortably where they are. And...perhaps, in time, you will come to call the _Discovery_ your home."

"After we accomplish our goals with the war and the spore drive, Saru, I will be on the first shuttle to prison," Michael said, not making eye contact with Saru. "Perhaps if I am able to leave there, I can consider wherever I go as home. Until then, everything else is merely a reprieve. Good night, Commander Saru."

Saru waited until Michael had left before sitting back in his chair and sighing.

"Good night, Michael."

**Author's Note:**

> This work was created for the Poetry Fiction 2018 prompt:
> 
> "So I suffered the exile's self-afflicting, evil-eyed  
> Probe. I would have felt as alien in Sierra Leone.  
> What was I doing so far from home?"


End file.
